Lord Immaculate's Manifesto

(Subsection: Lord Macker’s Health Manifesto)

In these times of widespread stress-related illness (isn’t modern life supposed to be easier?) our government would be doing the public a favour if it publicised the remarkable wondercure which is Jacobson’s technique, also known as Progressive Muscle Relaxation.

A simple combination of tensing while taking a lovely lungful of O² and relaxing on the exhale, this superlative retort to body tension helped yours truly recover from a beast of a nervous breakdown (basically, an anxiety attack which had started months earlier and not deigned to stop after the customary two minutes). For just a few moments of my time each day I benefit from a composure of which I had thought myself incapable.

With practice the muscles and nerves are retrained, or perhaps I could say restored…restored to a point before events took their toll and those infernal internal knots were tied. And it can be done while sat watching the telly! (It is more properly supposed to be done lying down though, so God only knows what further serenity the technique might, if performed planardexterously, be bestowing on my bones.)

If I were Prime Minister I would joyfully add it to the school curriculum – it need only take half an hour in the PE hall – taught first at the age of eight, when one would assume only a small number of children actually need it (including those like my younger self who begin to show the first symptoms of stress-related disorders such as OCD); recounted in the first year of secondary school, where the demons of puberty will lay siege to the hormones; followed later with a refresher lesson in anticipation of those pesky exams; and finally reiterated at the liberating end of school, another tool of knowledge to be carried out into the wide and often woeful world we live in.

GPs should be advised to make patients aware of PMR when it might help, and mention of Dr Jacobson’s invaluable aid should be on display along with those many other useful snippets adorning the surgery walls.

The more tautly wound you and your body are, the quicker the quack-free cure works (in my rather extreme case the effects were felt within a day or two). What would normally reduce you to a moment in the company of the jitters, with the contents of your rib cage tightening and your breathing becoming short, or maybe even to fully-fledged panic and hyperventilation (particularly common episodes among teenagers), instead triggers a deep relaxing breath, a more healthy reaction to an old problem, breaking the constriction of the lungs and sending feelgood chemicals coursing into your veins. Am I talking this up too much? It’s a veritable miracle worker in my experience; a restorative of the grandest order. Only those who already exist in the utmost state of equilibrium would notice no difference at all. It’s a life-changer.

The little gem Dr Edmund Jacobson invented back in the 1920s is a greater countermeasure than any anti-aircraft gun or Exocet missile, but unlike NORAD or GCHQ this defence mechanism has remained largely unknown and unused. So many millions of people might have reaped the rewards of PMR since the good doctor’s day, and millions more will find them yet. The sooner the better, if I have anything to do with it. Make your vote Immaculate.

One person I won’t credit with the Tory victory is Rupert Murdoch. It makes my blood boil that the devil continues to take widespread plaudits (and government favour) for each successful candidate, when in fact it is often the case that he is placing his chips on the obvious winner. How I bridled when Tony Blair sucked up to the man as if he owed him everything. That grinning Crusader was set to win office with or without the hated media mogul’s backing – it was finally Labour’s time – and the old ratbag knew it when he defected from the Tories. Attributing such triumphs to him is dangerous.

As for the reaction to defeat within the Labour camp, Jesus wept. Did anyone anywhere turn their nose up at Labour because they thought it had gone too far to the left, as the vultures are suggesting? That was certainly never in my thinking. Labour lost because they are still seen as being no different to the Tories; not on the NHS, not on anything – if you’re going Tory you may as well go for the real thing, is perhaps the subconscious logic – and because Ed Miliband comes across as smug, geeky and out of touch. He campaigned on what he wished the public’s concerns were, rather than what they actually are. Intransigent and foolish. The public actually chose five more years of austerity over five years of Ed Miliband. That’s pretty damning.

Labour must make a clear departure from Blairism and Shadow Tory-ism, but there are those arguing the exact opposite and I don’t hear anyone calling them out on that.

When it comes to leadership elections in modern times there is very little to lift the spirits. The age of great statesmen was a very long time ago. As far as I can tell the only remotely likeable option is Yvette Cooper, and it won’t take long in the spotlight for her to sully herself too.

It’s alarming to hear people talk about the odious Harriet Harman getting the job, or (Ed Miliband mk II) Chuka Umunna. What have Labour members got against winning?

What Labour needs is someone to sweep away the bland, coached inanity, and the vapid non-answers which politicians are trained to deliver. All parties do this, but Ed Miliband’s Labour took it so far that he may as well have fielded a legion of ghosts or automatons. No substance, and no style either.

As well as unimaginative lightweights with the required lack of scruples, Labour has become a magnet and a haven for Tories who think they’re too nice to be Tories. It’s time for the former party of the left to call their bluff.

So my election predictions weren’t 100% accurate…can I help it if reality starts ad libbing?

At the risk of blowing one’s own trumpet a little too loudly for the neighbours’ liking, I did call the obliteration of the Lib Dems the moment Clegg entered talks with Cameron 5 years ago, and I’d long warned of disaster for Labour if they stood by the dislikeable and intransigent Ed Miliband.

But an outright majority for the Tories? Hat’s off, never saw that coming.

As regular readers would be aware if they existed (ECHOOOOO), I had been anticipating a Con-UKIP coalition, and I must say I had become rather glum at the prospect. Not because I believe all that is claimed about UKIP – I don’t – but because I realised a referendum on the EU would be won by the largest party, either in coalition or complete control, and the Tories will campaign to keep us in the damned thing.

The Conservatives have a nasty habit of winning referendums. They may have needed Gordon Brown’s help to see off the SNP in the last one, but when it comes to an EU referendum they can count on the help not only of Labour but the SNP, the Greens, the Lib Dems (for what that’s worth)…in fact, everyone but UKIP, who have a solitary seat to show for their four million votes in the general election and whose credibility has been tarnished by a relentless bombardment of EU-backed propaganda. We Eurosceptics don’t stand a chance in the face of that unholy, near-total alliance of parliament and the ever-pro-EU broadcasters BBC and ITV. The federalists who dominate British politics are going to end up with the mandate they have never previously had, and that is a woeful prospect for the U.S.E.-fearing likes of Lord Immaculate.

The 2015 general election must have been fascinating for students and scholars with an interest in the art of propaganda. Never mind the hopeless who-will-get-how-many-bums-on-seats polls, let’s ask people what it is they believe when they march to the ballot boxes; ascertain where the tug of war for the nation’s thoughts has left viewers, readers and listeners; really try and get to the bottom of why people cross those boxes and which stories have left an impression.

As one who has been both appalled and morbidly tranfixed by the anti-UKIP campaign, I would find it particularly interesting to know how many (and it is indeed many) fell for the “UKIP will deport immigrants and ethnic minorities” spin; what percentage didn’t vote Labour simply because of Ed Miliband’s personal lack of appeal; roughly what number of Scots believed referendum promises were being reneged on; etc. etc.

It’s worth noting that the smears against UKIP, and Farage in particular, were limited to satirical shows where they could be dismissed as harmless jokes, and the internet, which is even more lawless than the strange land inside our tellies. A clear indicator that those spreading the lies knew they were treading a fine legal line.

Television programming has taken on a whole new meaning in recent years. Unlike the press, on-screen news reporters are by and large trusted by the public, and they probably shouldn’t be. These are the same news bulletins which have taken to ignoring political protests and riots in central London.

It’s become a constant battle to make one’s mind a castle in this age of television remote control. I fear most people aren’t even aware that the old grey matter is being tampered with, and so can’t even begin to defend themselves. We let broadcasters into our homes without nearly enough cynicism. One day historians of the subject will marvel at the widespread misuse of media to misinform and lead astray in so modern an age as the 21st century.

As much as all politicians are despicable, dishonest and dislikeable, there are an elite among them whose smarm and brazen lying oozes beyond even that norm. If I loathe Ed Miliband this much now, how much would I hate him as prime Minister? The revulsion factor would be off the scale for 5 long years.

I hope the television satire shows, who are often reluctant to give Labour the kicking it deserves, are putting together a compilation of the many times Ed Miliband has insisted he won’t do a deal with the SNP. Surely nobody over the age of 12 believes he won’t betray that promise at the earliest oppurtunity. He would have to be very deluded not to realise we all know his assurances aren’t worth spit, and yet he has said it again and again. Tony Blair had me fooled until the day he became Prime Minister, but Miliband is a useless liar, and a knack for avoiding the truth believably is the first requisite of any politician. What were the reds thinking when they elected this wally?

By rights David Cameron and Nick Clegg should pay the price for half a decade of austerity, but with the expected beneficiaries led by this disaster-in-a-suit it’s possible – nay, likely – the Tories will get away with another term. Amazing, the damage one person can do.