Lord Immaculate's Manifesto

Like most thinking people, I don’t buy the stock repudiation that curbing the wealth-hoarding excesses of fat cats would force them abroad, and I see even less reason to care. They do far too well out of Britain to just pack up and leave when some nasty civil servant or other dares to ask them for “tax, please”, or if horrid turncoat politicians finally limit the gobsmackingly generous bonuses they pay out to themselves. Turning a blind eye to their gorging is not a necessary balancing evil to be held beside the good of job creation, and certainly not to sit bloatedly beneath it on the scales.

Will the owners of the super-chains shut down UK operations if they’re asked to pay their dues? Of course not. It’s a blatant lie which could easily be torn apart by journalists if they bothered to take big cheese apologists to task. Retailers already take liberties with British consumers by charging us higher prices than they do elsewhere (another misdeed I will be turning my attention to). Do we really need to excuse them from paying taxes as well?

As for scaring away the bankers, so what? Just how difficult is their job? Not nearly as bloody difficult as they make it look. We could train monkeys to replace them, so tax the buggers to within an inch of their over-privileged lives, nobble their bonuses, and if they take their sorry arses out of our country good riddance to them! They do more harm than good. God knows there are plenty of people on the post-recession slag heap who could and would happily carry out the bankers’ assignments for a fraction of the money.

There is a further clunker wheeled out regularly by corporate sophists when people ask why governments tolerate such huge sums being siphoned out of the system by business barons. It’s the claim that international cooperation against those leeches of industry is  not doable; and it’s another argument you would need to be lobotomised to swallow. Global action is not taken simply because all major governments are in the pockets of the rich and the genuinely powerful. Being incorruptible and stubborn, Lord Immaculate – to wit, yours truly – will not hesitate to slam dunk every one of the greedy bastards. You want to continue operating on our turf, you play fair.

Anyway, what I am getting around to in my Corbett-like way – what I actually popped in to say – is this: when I am elected Prime Minister the absolute first thing I will do – after meeting Her Maj, of course –  is to link the bonuses at the top to bonuses at the bottom. If the board of directors get a 20% bonus, so must every worker on the payroll. And if the Chairman receives a bonus amounting to 200% of their annual wage, so must the whole company, right down to the poor silent drudge cleaning the toilets.

What’s more, if that company has laid anyone off in the financial year, no one gets a bonus. If it has gone over-budget or overdue on a public project, no bonuses can be paid. If it’s been found guilty of breaking rules – or even laws – no bonuses. If the concern concerned has had an official rebuke for its failings, no bonuses.

Herald the age of performance-related, workforce-linked bonuses. The days when the scum on the surface could present themselves with gratefully received treasure chests no matter how badly they discharged their duties must be consigned to an ignoble chapter in the history of this nation.