Lord Immaculate's Manifesto

In amidst the scaremongering from both campaigns in the Scottish referendum, there seem to be little matters of confusion which can only serve to embarrass the UK’s education system. Firstly, the UK will continue to exist with its remaining members and territories. To hear some talk you would think Pestilence had been seen riding by. Secondly, independent from the UK or not, Scotland will not cease to be British, however much some of its patriots may loathe the word. The SNP aren’t planning to relocate their end of the island to the Med, or blast a channel of water along the border to separate us physically as well as politically (although the thought may have occurred to them). England, Scotland and Wales are all stuck here on the famous Great Britain no matter how well we happen to be getting along at any given time. It’s something we should all continue to be proud of.

Y’Lord can’t pass by the shambles that is the Better Together campaign without gloating over its sheer ineptitude. It takes something special to turn a certain No vote into a very possible Yes vote. Congratulations, all concerned. If not one politician, banker or businessman had spoken out against Scottish Independence the No vote would have been a shoo in. Every step of Better Together seemed destined to rub Scots up the wrong way. Getting the party leaders up there to remind Scots what they’ll be missing? Lunacy!

Even John bloody Prescott was on the campaign trail. It’s as if the Circus of Horrors arrived in town. No wonder so many Scots can’t wait to be shot of us. Is Darling a secret Yes man?

In fairness to us English and Welsh types, it’s worth pointing out that some of the grisliest chapters in recent UK political history involve Scotsmen. SNP talks of sparing Scotland from Tory governments elected by the English, fair enough, but with boot on other foot, had Scottish independence come earlier we wee southerners would not have had to suffer Tony Blair with his New Crusades and this age of paranoia, Gordon Brown (the worst Prime Minister since Eden), Alistair Darling…hell, the recession happened because of those three charlatans. We could have avoided that economic meltdown, and the austerity plot which has arrived in its wake. So it cuts both ways. If Scotland votes Yes, no Scot will ever again lead such a powerful nation.

Whatever the result of today, one of the campaigns is going to be left heartbroken. A defeated Yes camp would be bitter (more bitter than usual), at having to persevere with life as a UK citizen. Goodness knows what the heavies who have attached themselves so thuggishly to the independence efforts will do (assuming they are genuine patriotic dunderheads and not, in fact, MI5 agitators). Alex Salmond has given it such a good go, he would feel as if he had the Grail in his hands and saw it snatched away again. He might be a politician, and a smug one at that, but I will spare a thought for him if his extraordinary campaign falls at the last hurdle. If he wins though, I think his speeches may require a vomit bag or two.

Polling Day In Scotland

While it would be a shame to see Scotland leave the UK after so long, it is also exciting to find ourselves on the verge of a historical event which would be remembered and studied for centuries after we’ve all toddled along. Other major incidents of my lifetime – the fall of the Iron Curtain, the assassination of Diana, the Twin Towers atrocity – will also resonate through time, but what may happen today is bigger. The UK, which we are often assured is a small and puny nation, has been one of the major players in this world’s life (could be still), and for centuries Scotland has stood alongside England and Wales at the centre of that success story. We could be witnessing the biggest divorce since Henry and Catherine.

Lord Imm feels strangely sedate in the matter. I always imagined I would be much more partisan come this election, but actually I find myself happy for the Scots. Yes, I’d like the union to remain, but I will not shed a tear if it does not. Living alongside an independent Scotland would be an interesting experience. A change, as they say, is as good as a holiday; a breath of fresh North Sea air is good for the follicles. We’ll be the exes who remain friends, by and large. Okay, splitting up is never completely harmonious, whichever face people put on it. Each side of the divide will want to see the other flounder without them, both will act as if they couldn’t care less while wishing each other all the best. I expect both countries reserve the right to a little bitterness; imagine the squabbles over assets, borders, the BBC, Scottish politicians in (and surely out of) Westminster, the republican referendum, etc. But we’ll still be great mates, right?

Having said that, I certainly begrudge the thought of celebrations in the Vatican. They’ve got long memories down there, and I suspect the break up of the UK is not far behind an ignominious demise for the Royal Family on their holy wishlist. I can’t help but note that a lot of Scots will feel rather daft if the Pope arrives in a Republic of Scotland to offer Alex Salmond his ring (pardonne moi).