Lord Immaculate's Manifesto

Ahhh, election time! when politicians offer the gullible everything their hearts desire, or indeed could desire, and a few other things besides. Anyone who has cast their cross in the big ballot before will know these promises have even less chance of being kept than the mountains of junk mail those guilty parties bombard us with.

Never, ever trust a politician…unless that particular statesman comes in the appealing shape of a well scrubbed Lord Immaculate.

If I were Prime Minister – and frankly I should be – the very notion of an election promise would be transformed. I’d set in stone legislature ensuring that such pledges are legally binding. Failure by the winning side to honour any of their commitments by a stipulated time would result in the monarch calling a snap election. If that stated time is the oft used and frequently forgotten ‘before the next election’, and come that marker the guarantee has not been effected, the offending party will be forbidden from standing for re-election.

This evolution in the nature of election promises would then spread to local councils and – I humbly predict – be adopted by the civilised world outside. A leap forward for democracy; binding contracts between candidates and the voting public.

And the beauty of this bill is that anyone opposing its safe passage through parliament would be untouchable to the long-suffering electorate.

Our crooked bureaucrats must chuckle at how they get the run of a system which does not hold them to account for any of their lies. Imagine a future where election pledges are locked in, with to-do dates, and failure to deliver them to the word results in weaselly MPs being unceremoniously shunted from power or even banned from holding office.